Friday, March 18, 2011

You go through life hoping you will meet someone, somewhere will understand what you're all about. You go through life knowing no one ever will. And you come to terms with it - slowly but surely.

And then someone comes along and messes it all up. Could be that cute boy, the not so cute stalker or your best-est gal pal. That person finishes your sentences, speaks your mind, doesn't judge, asks...and more importantly, listens! And you think you are one of the lucky few who has met The One!

You are so kicked with this new found camaraderie that you break all your rules, bring down your well-honed defence system, confide all your insecurities and reveal the inner workings of your deranged, whacky, rebellious mind. What you are actually handing them a lot of ammo...on a silver platter.

You think you have found a shoulder to cry on, arms that hug you and hands that hold you. But pretty soon you discover that those well-toned arms have got their strength from all the back-stabbing they've done. You've let them in...and now they leave without so much as a 'goodbye'. The person doesn't speak your mind anymore. They speak theirs. They don't judge - they condemn. Without a hearing.

The One sells you out! And they don't need 30 pieces of silver to do it. They just need a well-honed knife.

Which they sharpen.
Then stab.
Then twist.
...and walk away.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

This sucks. This really really sucks.

I feel like someone is pulling me apart. Limb by limb.

To be fair, the dismembering started same time last year. So by now you would have thought I'd be numb to the pain. But I have never been good with change. With letting thnigs go. With saying goodbye.

To be fair, I was prepared for this. Have been for a couple of months. But today, when I heard them mouth the necessary platitudes, I felt like just giving in to the hurt - and giving up. No more stiff upper lip. No more cracking jokes so that others will cheer up. Just having someone else hug me and say..."It's ok"

I won't just be saying goodbye to some friends - coz I will keep them in my life. I won't be saying goodbye to just a place - though it will hurt endlessly to see strangers taking over a place I once considered my second home. But what I will be saying goodbye to is a bunch of my best memories, the associations that go with a place.

Sometimes, when you walk by a place - you think of the conversations you have had there, the jokes you cracked, the confidences you shared, the secrets you revealed, the unexpected relationships you forged. Sometimes, that all important slice of life you cling to is nothing but some endless cups of tea you had shared with a friend, standing on the terrace, staring off into the distance.

You can deal with changes. Coz that's the future. And you can learn to fight the future.

But how do you fight the past? When you don't have the real thing, and the memories are all you have - how do you deal with those being taken away. One moment, one person, one place at a time?

Friday, March 4, 2011

If I were to be truly loved...

I would like to be turned into poetry

With cadence, lyricism, a lilt

A poetry the burns the soul, fires up your passion

That leaves you gasping for breath

If you try to read it out loud

That makes you think

“Oh! This is exactly what I feel..”

I would like to be turned into a fairy tale

Where I'll take the proffered poisoned apple

And confidently wait for a happy ending.,

that leaves you smiling

at its childish naivete

That makes you say

There is a silver lining in everything

I would like to be turned into a love letter

An outpouring of the unreasonable heart, holding nothing back

That is silly, immature but true to feelings

That reminds you of the ebb and flow of those first moments

That you secretly preserve - to read over and over again

That makes you wish

That you were the thought behind those words

I would like to be turned into a symphony

To be played, hummed, experienced

That rises into a crescendo

And you feel your heart erratically beating to its tune

As you close your eyes and surrender to its rhythm

That makes you dance

In some frenzied, endless harmony

I would like to be the graffiti on the wall

The loud, bold lines

The spray of colour, of chaos

That breaks the monotony of a dull city wall

The beautiful side of a rebellion

That makes your fingers itch

To leave your mark on the world

But I haven’t found a writer who can read between the lines

Take my garbled jumbled self

And make sense out of my words

I haven’t found someone who can make music

Who can take the jarring sounds in my head

And put it in order – a melody

So I remain

Just a cacophony of unsaid words

Unexpressed desires

A staid, stoic prose with a predictable ending

That will burn itself out

And the page will be turned...

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Two Minutes to Bliss - An Ode

Behold! The love of my life
My friend in need, my soul mate true
You come to mind when all else fails
I've turned to you when things turned blue

Your ringlets are a magical cream n yellow
You come with your very own spice
You're not high maintenance, far from it
You're ready for action in a trice!

You're dressed in yummilicous flavours
And that is no small feat
You never fail to delight those taste buds
The snack, the meal, the treat

We've been together for years 'n' years
And our bonds only grown stronger
You're so perfect, I couldn't wish for more
Except maybe you could be a bit longer

But no matter what you are the best
Maggi, the queen of noodles
And for seeing me through all thick and thin
I love you oodles and oodles

And to show my love i'll put you in a bowl
And give you a *slurpy* kiss
I could even end up licking the plate
Till the next two minutes to bliss!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I retrospect

So this month's going by pretty I'm sure will the remaining 11.1..and before you know it we are making new year plans, getting drunk, getting hangovers, resolving NEVER to drink so much again...making new year resolutions, breaking new year resolutions, scoffing at people who make new year resolutions..and wondering at how Jan 2012 is almost over...

We do this every year don't we? Wondering over lost moments, trying to grasp where the time went...almost as if time had sworn that this year, at least, it would give us ample warning before disappearing into a haze of memories.

The year that went...for me...was strange. In a way no different from the others. Ups and downs, friends and enemies, wishes granted and dreams dashed. Yet in other ways...I think that the day my life ends...I will still be able to put 2010 amongst the top 5 years in which my world wish, one act, one decision at a time...

January was strange..I was rudderless, in a flux, trying to grasp upheavals that my personal life was going through. Feb went in trying to make sense of new dimensions, new definitions, new perspectives that life was thrusting upon me.
March - well was when I acted on those perceptions, thus simultaneously ignoring my sense of self as well as giving it a new identity..
April - an attempt to conform to what life expected of me, what society demanded of me, what I knew to be right.
May was when all my attempts shattered, all my notions made a laughing stock of. When all that I had built up, all that made up own worth, to me, was swept away in the matter of a mere scornful minutes.
June, July, August - trying to make sense - of me, of life, of my surrounding, of what had been, what could have been, what must be.
September - that much awaited Europe trip..the Eiffel Tower by night, a musical at London West End, crepes in Paris, Gondola ride in Venice, the Sistine chapel in Rome, wondering what's so cool about milan, trying to maintain my balance as I climbed up the leaning tower of Pisa...kinda like my life.
October - Turn that dreaded corner in life...officially old! Wanted to visit a strip club to commemorate the ocassion..but sadly my way of life n vices lack company
November - Surprise surprise! A random contest entered at a random moment of time wins me an all expenses paid trip to Toronto. Well, I was certainly going places this year! Even if my life wasn't...
December - Some old friends, some new, a relatively tame new years party, no hangover, except that of some memories...didnt do all the things I wanted to...just went along with the flow...because swimming against it for so long has taken away so much of my strength. I need whatever's remaining to hold on to my sanity...

That's this years resolution...being normal...too much to ask?

Monday, January 17, 2011

Is feeling jealous when its your loved one doing well a sane, normal, healthy feeling? Is seeking attention at every nook and cranny an indication of something unfulfilled? Or simply a fallout of our generation of self-centered spotlight grabbers? Do i really need assurance that I'm good at all points? Will it ever be enough for me?

I remember as a child we were participating in a school function and as seniors (relatively) my friends and i were given solo dances. The teacher in charge of choreography didn't like me so she refused to teach me anything till the penultimate day...and during the dress rehearsals i stood there feeling like a fool...till someone took pity on me and tried to salvage the situation...and all the time i kept getting nightmares of going on stage and not knowing what to perform...the spotlight on me and thousands of faces staring...just staring....

...that hunger for the spotlight has stayed on...and the need to perform well under it has become an obsession..i don't need a choreographer...have cultivated the art of studied spontaneity...but every time someone doesn't notice me i feel I'm not performing well enough...and wont get an i just push myself harder and harder...its never enough...

am i growing wiser? growing old? growing cynical? or just plain growing up?

...just how important is it to feel important???

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

There is a young woman who runs our office library...keep exchanging the occasional hello with her. Since I had been instrumental in getting the library set-up I guess she ends up talking more to me than others in office...

I was at the library today to exchange a a hurry as usual...irritated that I hadn't yet had time to grab lunch, counting off a never-ending job list in my head, thinking about my laundry list of personal problems...basically immersed in my world like everyone else around me...

The girl gives me my book and out of the blue says "I've been crying a lot today". My reaction...well...was kind of a non-reaction for a while. One part of me, the part that was openly taken aback was like 'Whaaa...where did that come from"...the other part of me was like "Oh noooo...I don't have the time to play agony aunt. Not when I have so many problems of my own!"...
But since I'm not such a bitch as my initial reaction made me out to least I like to think so...and since something must have been very wrong for her to say something like that to a virtual stranger...I figured this deserved some time and attention...

And the very brief confidence really left me speechless...she is 34, with a 14 year old daughter...her husband passed away 12 years back. That's all she would say. Nothing more about why she was sad. But it was enough to make me feel like a super selfish brat!
Here I was fighting with my husband over how he "didn't listen". And here she was with absolutely no one to talk to (something she mentioned). Here I was not willing to go back home too early coz I found it too full of people (whereas I prefer solitude). And when I told her to take the rest of the day off and go home she said she didn't want to...coz there was no one there at home and it was too lonely.

I was bugged with office for not giving me a better appraisal. And she was stuck in a dead end job that she hated but couldn't dream of leaving, unless she found better prospects - being a single mom and so on.

Today was something of a reality check. I'm not saying that our individual problems are not important. There will always be issues bigger than what troubles you at any point of time and I don't believe that in any way makes our troubles less painful to us. But what I did feel after that conversation was that sometimes, paying attention to others kind of helps you gain a perspective on your life. On your problems. It might not lighten your burden. But it sure as hell gives you fresh courage to tackle them. Coz you know, that like this girl, you may have had to deal with much worse.

So you can't let the smaller stuff get you down. It's just not an option. At least not to me.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I have been searching the whole of last year...for a lot of things. The perfect apartment, a different job, a change of scene, temporary amnesia...random mundane stuff. And I realised the more you hunt the more elusive things get. Whoever said chase your dreams knew jackshit!

Dreams cant be chased. You can either do one of two things. Try and con yourself into thinking that your reality comes as close to them as possible. Or get yourself a whole new set of dreams depending on where life takes you. When it comes to your desires, the term "the thrill of the chase" is wholly over-rated.

Take for instance my tryst with apartment hunting. I have been searching for well over 8 months and just yesterday I thought my search had come to an end. I found something that was perfect. Lots of space, light, perfectly done up with all the amenities one could wish for - and the best part, well within the price range. It was love at first sight. And I was all ready to sign on the dotted line. Sadly, the apartment owner didn't seem to agree. We were informed that we couldn't get the place. Reason? We were non-vegetarian. I was non-plussed. What had that to do with anything? He didn't even live in this city! And I ate chicken and mutton for god's sake. Not like I indulged in cannibalism! I lost out on a dream home just 'coz someone doesn't agree with my diet plans!

When I was younger and single the lists for not getting a place were different. "We give it out only to families", "We can't have young single girls living in our house" young, single girls were all waiting to kickstart a roaring no-holds-barred orgy the moment they got a place to live. Once I got married I thought I had the problem licked. But yesterday's conversation proved me wrong.

Which kind of brought to mind this thought that I had had earlier.

Apartment hunting, in a way, is kind of like hunting for your soulmate. You set out in search of the perfect match. Each time you go to check out a prospect you have butterflies. 'Is this the one?'...and you pray it is (coz let's face it, this endless hunt can get quite tedious)..but each time something goes wrong...teeny tiny things that you could try and compromise on...but you know will only turn into a nagging annoyance later on...and you cant have that for what might end up being a lifelong commitment.

When you finally finally think you've hit jackpot you still have to contend with the opinion of others - whether they think its good for you and or whether you should wait around for something better. You stick to your guns. Coz you're in love. Till you realise that's not enough. It never is. It's not love you need. It's luck and a certain amount of skill. To land your dream job. Hold on to your perfect man. And get that perfect apartment.

Else some self-righteous b*&% in high heels and red nail polish will clickity clack away with your man. And your perfect home will go to that annoyingly smug vegetarian. Kapish?

Friday, January 7, 2011

I would like to take things one at a time.
For starters I would like certain things to not be my first thought for the day. That accomplished - I would appreciate it if it ceased to be my last thought for the day.

Once that's done - I could start working on the moments in between those hours. The days in those weeks and the weeks in the months.
Once I'm done with my thoughts - I promise to work on my dreams.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Perhaps this is what i needed. To understand what could be...and what could not. No wait - that statement is still a hypothesis...and my life is not.

No - let me begin again. Perhaps this is what i needed. To understand what i could do without and i what i could not. What i could let go - and what i had somehow linked to myself so inextricably - that even if the now sometimes seems suffocating - it is what is my anchor to the here and now.

I have no guilt. Not even when i look at the familiar and realize how far off the trodden path i almost traveled. I have no regrets. Not even when the lure of the 'what if' starts to get the uncomfortable tinge of 'but why'...i have no time for all this...nor the desire - to understand myself or the right and wrong of others...

Perhaps i needed this. For if i had denied it - i would be denying what at that moment was the absolute truth. I would be ignoring the questions and doubts i had been facing the past years. I would be denying myself a chance - to find out the truth, to re-validate my choices, to give myself another shot and see whether i really wanted it...

But i have been wondering - did i take the chance because i knew the outcome? Was i still playing it safe - like i have with most of my life choices? Would i still be in this position if i had not been so sure of what is and what will be?

Perhaps i am not really the confident, outgoing, super go-getter person i pretend to be. Wait - who am i kidding??!! There is no 'perhaps' in that. I am not! I am basically a coward...afraid not of society and its dictates - but of the bloody high standards set by that person in the mirror...the standards that someone that day mercilessly pointed out to me I had failed.

...Perhaps this was meant to be the 'maybe' in my 'To be or not to be'. Curtains?