Is feeling jealous when its your loved one doing well a sane, normal, healthy feeling? Is seeking attention at every nook and cranny an indication of something unfulfilled? Or simply a fallout of our generation of self-centered spotlight grabbers? Do i really need assurance that I'm good at all points? Will it ever be enough for me?

I remember as a child we were participating in a school function and as seniors (relatively) my friends and i were given solo dances. The teacher in charge of choreography didn't like me so she refused to teach me anything till the penultimate day...and during the dress rehearsals i stood there feeling like a fool...till someone took pity on me and tried to salvage the situation...and all the time i kept getting nightmares of going on stage and not knowing what to perform...the spotlight on me and thousands of faces staring...just staring....

...that hunger for the spotlight has stayed on...and the need to perform well under it has become an obsession..i don't need a choreographer...have cultivated the art of studied spontaneity...but every time someone doesn't notice me i feel I'm not performing well enough...and wont get an encore...so i just push myself harder and harder...its never enough...

am i growing wiser? growing old? growing cynical? or just plain growing up?

...just how important is it to feel important???