Perhaps this is what i needed. To understand what could be...and what could not. No wait - that statement is still a hypothesis...and my life is not.

No - let me begin again. Perhaps this is what i needed. To understand what i could do without and i what i could not. What i could let go - and what i had somehow linked to myself so inextricably - that even if the now sometimes seems suffocating - it is what is my anchor to the here and now.

I have no guilt. Not even when i look at the familiar and realize how far off the trodden path i almost traveled. I have no regrets. Not even when the lure of the 'what if' starts to get the uncomfortable tinge of 'but why'...i have no time for all this...nor the desire - to understand myself or the right and wrong of others...

Perhaps i needed this. For if i had denied it - i would be denying what at that moment was the absolute truth. I would be ignoring the questions and doubts i had been facing the past years. I would be denying myself a chance - to find out the truth, to re-validate my choices, to give myself another shot and see whether i really wanted it...

But i have been wondering - did i take the chance because i knew the outcome? Was i still playing it safe - like i have with most of my life choices? Would i still be in this position if i had not been so sure of what is and what will be?

Perhaps i am not really the confident, outgoing, super go-getter person i pretend to be. Wait - who am i kidding??!! There is no 'perhaps' in that. I am not! I am basically a coward...afraid not of society and its dictates - but of the bloody high standards set by that person in the mirror...the standards that someone that day mercilessly pointed out to me I had failed.

...Perhaps this was meant to be the 'maybe' in my 'To be or not to be'. Curtains?