They are endless...my wants, my needs, my dreams.
I achieve one goal - and instantly move onto another. Never satisfied, never still, ever restless. There are points in my life when I will feel that I must, simply must have something. And I go out and get it. I don't rest till I have it. And then, the familiar feeling of discontent comes creeping in. And I start searching afresh. For what, or whom, I really have no clue.
And then there are times when my desires will be thwarted. And my brain and heart are unable to comprehend how, when I wanted something so badly, the universe snatched it away from me. Those days, it takes some time for me to reach equilibrium. And ironically, I only forget the old loss when I am restless for something new.
It's like a constant see-saw. And when I try to balance myself, I am forced to evaluate all my desires, all my dreams. To weigh them all up against each other. So that I can stack them for the perfect balance. I try to see which are too heavy, so that I can discard the added weight on my life. And which are too light, so that I know that they don't really need to be my priority.
But it's difficult. Because every time I look inside, I discover parts of me I'd forgotten, wants that I never knew existed. All so snugly ensconced within one another that one desire is only revealed when the other is peeled away - either by your practicality, or life's ruthlessness.
You love someone. You fail in that love. You discard it. Only to realize that within that love there is still a core of desire. You find a object for that desire. Lust maybe. You go after it. But it remains unfulfilled. You learn to ignore that need. But those feelings need to go somewhere. They change direction and become a quest for companionship instead. If you're lucky you get it. Else you try to settle for just understanding. And at times, compromise for tolerance.
Your needs get smaller and smaller. But those larger dreams remain. And they all take up so much space. In your life, in your thoughts. So you put them all together, one inside the other, close together, like those Russian dolls.
So that no one can see, or even guess at those layers that make you up. So that you remain invulnerable. So that if someone hurts the outside, you still have some dreams locked away inside to draw strength from. And you wait for someone to take all the pieces out, and put it all back together again.
And you paint cheerful faces on the wood outside. And you pretend it's all a game. Endlessly.
I achieve one goal - and instantly move onto another. Never satisfied, never still, ever restless. There are points in my life when I will feel that I must, simply must have something. And I go out and get it. I don't rest till I have it. And then, the familiar feeling of discontent comes creeping in. And I start searching afresh. For what, or whom, I really have no clue.
And then there are times when my desires will be thwarted. And my brain and heart are unable to comprehend how, when I wanted something so badly, the universe snatched it away from me. Those days, it takes some time for me to reach equilibrium. And ironically, I only forget the old loss when I am restless for something new.
It's like a constant see-saw. And when I try to balance myself, I am forced to evaluate all my desires, all my dreams. To weigh them all up against each other. So that I can stack them for the perfect balance. I try to see which are too heavy, so that I can discard the added weight on my life. And which are too light, so that I know that they don't really need to be my priority.
But it's difficult. Because every time I look inside, I discover parts of me I'd forgotten, wants that I never knew existed. All so snugly ensconced within one another that one desire is only revealed when the other is peeled away - either by your practicality, or life's ruthlessness.
You love someone. You fail in that love. You discard it. Only to realize that within that love there is still a core of desire. You find a object for that desire. Lust maybe. You go after it. But it remains unfulfilled. You learn to ignore that need. But those feelings need to go somewhere. They change direction and become a quest for companionship instead. If you're lucky you get it. Else you try to settle for just understanding. And at times, compromise for tolerance.
Your needs get smaller and smaller. But those larger dreams remain. And they all take up so much space. In your life, in your thoughts. So you put them all together, one inside the other, close together, like those Russian dolls.
So that no one can see, or even guess at those layers that make you up. So that you remain invulnerable. So that if someone hurts the outside, you still have some dreams locked away inside to draw strength from. And you wait for someone to take all the pieces out, and put it all back together again.
And you paint cheerful faces on the wood outside. And you pretend it's all a game. Endlessly.
2 comments:
it was heavy post! Maybe exclusively for yourself only..but if i may, say something here. Life is always like this. We run for things, if we get them, good, if not then we feel bad, adjust and finally after both the situations run for some other thing. It's a vicious circle!Endless as you said. But that the way it is. If you stop running, you stop living! Like your muscles, if you stop using them, they will get dystrophied..
Yes, of course. But I think it's important to sort out what is worth running after and what we should let go of. Saves a lot of heartburn.
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