Saturninity

I'm writing without knowing what I want to write, putting words down without having any idea of what is going to come next.

I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. Truth be told, I don't even know if I want to feel or think at all at this stage.

If I let myself feel I might not be able to stop. If I let myself think I might not be able to sleep. 

I've never really been inarticulate. Yet ironically I find myself with just one thought stuck inside my mind...on an infinite loop. And a pointless one at that.

And I need to dwell on something besides that, anything. Just to fill the silence in my head. And the stillness inside me.

Until the moment the stillness stops being a cocoon of suffocation - and becomes the blissful state of detachment it once used to be.

Mad Girl's Love Song

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed. 

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. 

(I think I made you up inside my head.) 

- Sylvia Plath

I think we over think the concept of soul mates. We spend so much of time searching for 'The One' that we miss out on the special moments in between.

I've had the perfect date - flowers, candlelight, perfume and holding hands
I've had the perfect kiss - the close-your-eyes-and-feel-your-heart-stop kind
I've had the perfect love letter - simple, heart-felt and raw
I've had the perfect proposal - honest, romantic and overwhelming
I've had that perfect moment - When you can't look away from each other 

Only from different people. 

And that's more that what a lot of us will ever have. Because sometimes our dreams are impossible. And no one person or one relationship can ever do justice to it perhaps. It's a mighty long climb to the top of that pedestal.

So I've learnt to recognize those heart-touching moments in everything I live.

I've found my identity in the pages of a good book.
I've heard my words put to a rhythm in the crash of rain and thunder
I've tasted the perfect moment of contentment in a cup of coffee 
I've witnessed my soul's abandonment on the dance floor, uncaring who's watching
I've understood what love is amidst the laughter and hugs of my best friends

Our soul mates are scattered. As are our desires. 
We only need to know how to celebrate them in these isolated moments. And then see them last us an entire lifetime.

My ideal man

Listens to Pink Floyd
Dances to Bollywood music
Drinks scotch on the rocks
Whips me up a mean Mojito
Gives in to my tantrums
Takes charge in bed
Cracks the craziest jokes
Takes me seriously
Loves to travel, read, write and sing
...the rain, winters and dark nights
Has a devil-may-care attitude
And a sweep-me-off-my feet kinda passion
Adores animals
And has no patience for stupidity
Can sit quietly with me for hours
Have conversations about anything under the sun
Harbours a million secret dreams
And a firm grip on reality
Is just himself
And just let's me be...me

Comfortably numb

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music - Nietzsche 

I say there's something wrong with us
You call me a drama queen

I fight so that I can get a reaction
You think I'm a nag

I desperately search for some passion
You complain I live in a dream world

I say, let's travel, see the world
You say my priorities are mixed up

I feel scared that we are running out of time to live
You act like we have all the time in the world

I dance like a maniac, laugh with abandon
I see you wondering why I'm not ladylike

I live for myself - to hell with conventions
You keep worrying - "What will people think"

I struggle each day to feel alive and free
You go through your moments not reacting nor expressing

Until, finally, we just let each other be...

The obituary of waves...

Nobody ever writes them. 

No one stops and thinks about how they come to an end, using up their dying breath to sometimes crash passionately against the rocks and sometimes kiss the sand tenderly before disappearing. I wonder if the waves know they are rushing towards their end? Or maybe they think that what lies in front is a whole new destination.

But we all sit by the shore and watch them. And listen to the sound ages after it dies out. And think about their beauty long after the white, foam-tipped water melts back into nothingness.

That is how I want to go. 

Suddenly, in one moment. Without any long-drawn out meaningless drama that makes others suffer.

Not knowing I'm going to. So that I don't spend my final moments regretting all that I didn't do.

Beautifully. Perhaps in my sleep. Because my love for control is something I cannot let go off.

This is how I want to go. Like a wave. That rushes on till the end. That doesn't give up. That people don't mourn...but rather say - "Oh. That was a beautiful existence."