Thursday, February 4, 2016

The doors are now closing...

I think I'll go mad. Thinking about things. Trying not to think about them. Trying to live...actually just trying to breathe...
I find myself short of breath so often. Screaming inside my head. Smiling, laughing, socializing. And just utterly, completely alone. Not isolated, just alone.

So intensely scared. That life will go by just the way it is. And I won't have the guts to change it. Or the strength to bear the consequences if I do change it.
So desperately sad. That I'm perhaps irretrievably losing a few things, the only things most precious to me. And I don't see a way out. Every time I try I split into two. One side goes into denial of the downward spiral. The other is in auto pilot, pretending life is just as she planned it.
Wait, that's just denial again right?

So much so for thinking I was an independent, strong woman. There I go, falling to age-old tricks played by life. And being nothing but a coward burying into my comfort zone. Which is not so comfortable anymore. It's become my biggest compromise.

My days are stifling. My days are frozen in time. Yet I'm overwhelmed by it's pace. I'm still there...and everything else is whizzing by. Or maybe I'm going too fast and everything else is getting left behind. Leaving me behind. And I can't get on the roller-coaster. And I can't get off.

The frantic need to take a decision. Because I'll bitterly regret it if I don't. But I don't know what that decision should be. And will I regret the decision itself?

All I know is...this can't be it. Can it? I don't know if I can bear it then.
See what I mean by going mad.

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