I think I'll go mad. Thinking about things. Trying not to think about them. Trying to live...actually just trying to breathe...
I find myself short of breath so often. Screaming inside my head. Smiling, laughing, socializing. And just utterly, completely alone. Not isolated, just alone.
So desperately sad. That I'm perhaps irretrievably losing a few things, the only things most precious to me. And I don't see a way out. Every time I try I split into two. One side goes into denial of the downward spiral. The other is in auto pilot, pretending life is just as she planned it.
Wait, that's just denial again right?
My days are stifling. My days are frozen in time. Yet I'm overwhelmed by it's pace. I'm still there...and everything else is whizzing by. Or maybe I'm going too fast and everything else is getting left behind. Leaving me behind. And I can't get on the roller-coaster. And I can't get off.
All I know is...this can't be it. Can it? I don't know if I can bear it then.