If only...

Something is amiss. I don't know what. A vague, uneasy feeling - of things changing, of time running out. I'm restless, again. I'm scared, for the first time ever. And what anchored me to peace seems to be drifting away.

My head's been buzzing...with words, phrases, thoughts. So, so many things! It's so noisy...and so deathly silent...all at the same time.

It's the distance. My mind is trying to fill this space between us - and the only way it can do it is by thinking...thinking...and thinking some more.

So much in fact, that I don't know which idea to grasp, which dream to dream. Which thought to articulate first - if at all.

And if I can't make sense of my thoughts, if I cannot get order in the chaos inside me - then how can I expect you to understand? If I cannot express myself, then how do we communicate? And communication is what we have survived on till now.

So is this survival at stake?

I usually thrive in spaces where there is no set order - but here, in this jumbled mind space, I'm afraid of losing my way, of losing my ability to connect with you, of losing us.

I want to tell you how much I miss you. But I'm afraid you will find me too clingy.
I want to tell you I need you. But I'm afraid you will find me too demanding.
I want to let you in - again. But I'm afraid you won't like what you see.
I want to tell you I belong to you. But I'm afraid of asking you if you belong to me.

I don't know if I want to hear your answer. I don't know if I want you to know mine.

When exactly, is ignorance bliss? I don't know.