Saturday, June 23, 2012

Conditions Apply

What are your expectations from a relationship with no expectations? What is your investment in something where you can have no returns? How detatched can you be from someone you are involved with? Or have been?

I have spent the past week playing host to my ex - and the current love of his life. I have faced varying reactions to this. Incredulity from my friends, resignation from my folks and a certain level of amusement from my 20 year old self who pays me random visits at times. None of it makes any difference to me - because that relationship makes no difference to me anymore. Its run its course...and so have the expectations that came along with it.

But what about relationships that are supposed to go somewhere - but somehow feel like they are worth nothing?. Or those that should not mean anything - and feel like a new lease of life?. Is that the product of warped priorities? Or just a reality check of where your life's heading?

I have recently become so proud of my ability to detach. To not really let anything get to me beyond a point. To have things happen around me, participate - and yet not really care a damn about where things are going. But I'm not so sure that is a good thing. A sensible thing - yes. Gives me peace of mind - definitely. But is this who I wanted to be - perhaps not.

My complete non-reaction to my ex - now that's a normal reaction after so many years. Because the years in between have taken control. But my disinterest in current relationships, in what people expect from me is reaching an extreme that makes me wonder about myself sometimes.

It's ok when the person who crosses your path has no expectations either. You are in sync. But when that person thinks differently, when they feel and want and dream - then isn't dumping my baggage of 'I-don't-give-a-damn' on that person actually expecting too much from them?

Irony is, the reason you stop caring is because perhaps at one point of time you cared too much. And you met someone who didn't. And you learnt to re-set your expectations. And now you are doing the same thing to someone else. Your lack of expectations means you will fail to understand theirs, or live up to it. Or you will simply not be willing to walk that extra mile. And you will break their heart. And perhaps they will then break someone else's.

But somewhere along the way you stop thinking about it. All you think about is how not to get involved. How to tuck every little thought and emotion and relationship away in its own little corner of the mind. Where it can't mingle with the others and mess up your emotional balance.

And you walk into every relationship with a tiny little * in the corner of your mind. And hope to god the person in front remembers to read the fine print.

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