Pandora's Box

Has it ever happened to you that you've successfully buried some not so pleasant incident from your past deep into the recesses of your mind. When you can spend most days pretending it didn't happen, or that it doesn't matter? Or when you can get away with distracting yourself every time the thought comes up.

And then someone reopens that conversation. In a well meaning way perhaps. In a bid to get answers which all along you thought you didn't need. And now, suddenly, it's all you can think about. And you're not only left wondering and questioning, you're also overnight, seemingly incapable of shutting it down, of shoving those thoughts back into that safe little box where they had resided for so long. Now the box is no longer a corner of your mind, it's like your whole head. 

You made the mistake of having a conversation. And now your head won't shut up. You tried to give answers. You're left with more questions.

Closure is overrated. Especially when it's one-sided. 

Shadows

I'm scared that I'll forget what it was like

To feel my breath hitch when it comes in contact with yours
My head tucked into the nook of your throat
Breathing in that smell that is all yours

I'm scared that I'll not remember your smell
That reminds me of intimacy
that calms my heart and speeds it up at the same time

Today I only need to close my eyes - and sometimes not even that
And I can recall so vividly what it feels like
Your kiss, your hands, the shape of your body against mine

And I'm so scared of only having these memories
And those memories dimming with time
Of those sensations becoming intangible. Smoke-like

What if one day I can no longer remember?
What if I only think I do?
But those memories, painted by time, are far removed from what used to be
you and me?

What if I only remember a fantasy?
When you have been my biggest reality...

I don't want to search in my mind for those darkened evenings
When you heard you whisper my name against my mouth
I want to remember the cadence of your heartbeat...so familiar against my ear

I want to remember the exact words you said - sometimes unexpected, always precious
The dips and planes my fingers traced
The sound of that throaty laughter of yours

But I think it will be difficult
When I can't seem to remember to smile myself

How do I hold on to you. Us?
Can you help me? Just help me remember?

Because I'm so scared that I'll forget. And scared that I never will.

Desire is easy to fight.
Especially when the only weapon desire possesses is attraction.

It's not so easy when you're trying to win a war against the heart.

~ Maybe Someday