Pandora's Box

Has it ever happened to you that you've successfully buried some not so pleasant incident from your past deep into the recesses of your mind. When you can spend most days pretending it didn't happen, or that it doesn't matter? Or when you can get away with distracting yourself every time the thought comes up.

And then someone reopens that conversation. In a well meaning way perhaps. In a bid to get answers which all along you thought you didn't need. And now, suddenly, it's all you can think about. And you're not only left wondering and questioning, you're also overnight, seemingly incapable of shutting it down, of shoving those thoughts back into that safe little box where they had resided for so long. Now the box is no longer a corner of your mind, it's like your whole head. 

You made the mistake of having a conversation. And now your head won't shut up. You tried to give answers. You're left with more questions.

Closure is overrated. Especially when it's one-sided. 

Shadows

I'm scared that I'll forget what it was like

To feel my breath hitch when it comes in contact with yours
My head tucked into the nook of your throat
Breathing in that smell that is all yours

I'm scared that I'll not remember your smell
That reminds me of intimacy
that calms my heart and speeds it up at the same time

Today I only need to close my eyes - and sometimes not even that
And I can recall so vividly what it feels like
Your kiss, your hands, the shape of your body against mine

And I'm so scared of only having these memories
And those memories dimming with time
Of those sensations becoming intangible. Smoke-like

What if one day I can no longer remember?
What if I only think I do?
But those memories, painted by time, are far removed from what used to be
you and me?

What if I only remember a fantasy?
When you have been my biggest reality...

I don't want to search in my mind for those darkened evenings
When you heard you whisper my name against my mouth
I want to remember the cadence of your heartbeat...so familiar against my ear

I want to remember the exact words you said - sometimes unexpected, always precious
The dips and planes my fingers traced
The sound of that throaty laughter of yours

But I think it will be difficult
When I can't seem to remember to smile myself

How do I hold on to you. Us?
Can you help me? Just help me remember?

Because I'm so scared that I'll forget. And scared that I never will.

Desire is easy to fight.
Especially when the only weapon desire possesses is attraction.

It's not so easy when you're trying to win a war against the heart.

~ Maybe Someday

The Slow Regard of Silent Things

The touch of an imaginary finger

Smoothening away the furrows on my brow

The spaces in between the lines I write

The grey areas that fight my black & white

The intense concentration of silence

As it listens to what I leave unspoken

My fingers that clench into fists

A mirror that shows me the truth

My pillow that hugs me to sleep

The red lipstick that kisses my mouth

A life that's surrounded by the inanimate

That has more life...than my life itself

My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you’ve been mean to someone, they won’t believe the nice anymore.

So be nice, be nice, until it’s time to stop being nice, then destroy them.

—  Laurell K. Hamilton

Late night musings...

Another night, another city, another hotel room
The view is great from my 26th floor window
Inside my head, not so much

It's strange
How I spend my days on flights nowadays
And my life rooted to the past

Dreams that were simple
And now seem completely out of reach
Over compensating with meaningless triumphs 

An Instagram feed that speaks of great adventures
And friends in every city
The filters effectively camouflaging my solitude

No lack of attention
Compliments, flattery, harmless flirting and unwanted advances
But what I want has turned to dust

Sitting in a darkened room
Twinkling city lights below and that fleeting sense of glamour
An ordinary girl craving an extraordinary love

Hey you!

Yes, I'm talking to you.

I have a bone to pick with you.

I don't like this. Not at all. Not one little bit.

This feeling of restlessness, of some vague unbalance.
Of something gone missing, or a tad out of place
Of looking around for the familiar - and finding the unwanted
Of waking up to forgetfulness, and the rising consciousness of reality
Of the expectation of laughter and calm - replaced by a jaded perspective
Of trying to figure out who I am - and coming across scattered pieces

This is not me. Or who I want to be. At all.

I need you to fix this. You are the only one can. The only one who can put these pieces of me back together.

You are the only one who knows how they fit.

After all, you are the one who shattered them with such careful consideration.