Should I be writing this post because I'm suitably drunk - and hence don't really need to bother about my thought processes?

Or should I not be writing this because I'm drunk, can totally mess up sentence construction and grammar - and then spend several painful minutes trying to clean it up.

Should I think about things? Because right now all my thoughts seem to be so crystal clear?

Or should I not let my thoughts wander at all? Since they are sure to trespass where they should not?

Should I let myself dream...because it's such a welcome relief?

Or should I stick to reality...because in the end...

These are a few of my favourite things...

The smell of rain-soaked earth...or as I recently learnt...petrichor

Thunder

Walking on the beach in the rain

Sitting with a chilled beer in a pool submerged bar stool while it rains

The smell of a new book and freshly baked bread

Sleeping late on Sunday mornings

Staying up late on Friday nights

Dancing……to Bollywood music…with friends...in the rain

Finding that perfect black dress

Black lace sarees

Traveling to a picture perfect location

Looking at old pictures

…and stupid videos of silly things you did

Baby girls

The perfect cup of coffee

Musicals

Cute boys with dimples on their cheeks

Boys with run-your-hands-through soft hair

White shirts and blue denims

Men in sherwani’s

Sharing secrets

Holding hands…under the table, in the dark, just like that

Kissing

Kissing in the rain

Getting lost in the kiss so you don’t want to open your eyes

Men who can sing well

Sitting on the terrace on a moonlit night

Stories that inspire me to do something different

Bombay – for its vibe

Calcutta – for its soul

Hot-air balloon rides at sunrise

When he can’t take his eyes of you

Fresh sheets on the bed

Wedding gowns

The first phase of a relationship

Puppies

Having total control of the remote

Group chats with your best friends

That one friend you can be yourself with

Men with salt ‘n’ pepper hair

Thick eyelashes

High heels

The smell of aftershave...and cologne after a shower

A song on loop

A beautiful poem

Paani-puri and KFC chicken

Re-runs of classic sitcoms

The song 'Ab Na Ja' by Euphoria

Andhra meals

Laughing so hard that you stomach hurts

When someone gets what you are saying without you saying it

A good hair day

A big, tight hug that goes on forever

Long weekends

Reading in bed

You

The dots that make a circle

So I complete a year at my current job today.

And I could say this year has been crazy, unpredictable, turned my life upside down etc. etc. And all of that would be true. But it would be no different from what my life has been for the past 2.5 years to be precise.

Not that my life has ever been easy. Or dull. But the past couple of years seems to be someone’s idea of a bad joke. Or a really maddening amusement park ride.

Let’s push her up, then throw her down, then suspend her mid-way, then swing her around. Until the head starts spinning and you cannot make out the sky from the earth and walking upside down seems normal.

Perhaps that’s why I have been doing things I don’t normally do. Things that go against my character – and who I thought I was. I have at least been pretty solid when it comes to work. Even when my personal life has been behaving like a Rubic’s cube. Yet I seem to be dropping the ball even on that nowadays. Smaller mistakes, then bigger mess-ups degenerating to complete inefficiency – with no answer as to why it’s happening and how do I make it stop.

Yet take control I must. And I am good at doing things without having any clue how to go about it. Of jumping right in and figuring my way out. And dealing with the consequences.

Coincidentally, today, I came across this piece in NYT and this part caught my eye – “Life is, in effect, a non-repeatable experiment with no control. In his novel about marriage, “Light Years,” James Salter writes: “For whatever we do, even whatever we do not do prevents us from doing its opposite. Acts demolish their alternatives, that is the paradox.”

(You can read the piece here )

Think it’s time to look at the alternatives that I am demolishing one by one. Simply by not thinking about anything. And no – again I am not talking about my personal life. Which is on its own crazy ride right now. But one that I wouldn’t change for anything. I am talking about something that even my personal life has always taken a back seat to. My work.

Think it’s time to take control of my life again. To buckle in that seat belt and tie up my hair so that I can see straight. And get down to it. Because I have a sneaky suspicion, that when the lights are out and the rides are cooling off…my work is all I will be left with. And these anniversaries the only ones I will mark in my life.