Mad Girl's Love Song

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed. 

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. 

(I think I made you up inside my head.) 

- Sylvia Plath

I think we over think the concept of soul mates. We spend so much of time searching for 'The One' that we miss out on the special moments in between.

I've had the perfect date - flowers, candlelight, perfume and holding hands
I've had the perfect kiss - the close-your-eyes-and-feel-your-heart-stop kind
I've had the perfect love letter - simple, heart-felt and raw
I've had the perfect proposal - honest, romantic and overwhelming
I've had that perfect moment - When you can't look away from each other 

Only from different people. 

And that's more that what a lot of us will ever have. Because sometimes our dreams are impossible. And no one person or one relationship can ever do justice to it perhaps. It's a mighty long climb to the top of that pedestal.

So I've learnt to recognize those heart-touching moments in everything I live.

I've found my identity in the pages of a good book.
I've heard my words put to a rhythm in the crash of rain and thunder
I've tasted the perfect moment of contentment in a cup of coffee 
I've witnessed my soul's abandonment on the dance floor, uncaring who's watching
I've understood what love is amidst the laughter and hugs of my best friends

Our soul mates are scattered. As are our desires. 
We only need to know how to celebrate them in these isolated moments. And then see them last us an entire lifetime.

My ideal man

Listens to Pink Floyd
Dances to Bollywood music
Drinks scotch on the rocks
Whips me up a mean Mojito
Gives in to my tantrums
Takes charge in bed
Cracks the craziest jokes
Takes me seriously
Loves to travel, read, write and sing
...the rain, winters and dark nights
Has a devil-may-care attitude
And a sweep-me-off-my feet kinda passion
Adores animals
And has no patience for stupidity
Can sit quietly with me for hours
Have conversations about anything under the sun
Harbours a million secret dreams
And a firm grip on reality
Is just himself
And just let's me be...me

Comfortably numb

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music - Nietzsche 

I say there's something wrong with us
You call me a drama queen

I fight so that I can get a reaction
You think I'm a nag

I desperately search for some passion
You complain I live in a dream world

I say, let's travel, see the world
You say my priorities are mixed up

I feel scared that we are running out of time to live
You act like we have all the time in the world

I dance like a maniac, laugh with abandon
I see you wondering why I'm not ladylike

I live for myself - to hell with conventions
You keep worrying - "What will people think"

I struggle each day to feel alive and free
You go through your moments not reacting nor expressing

Until, finally, we just let each other be...

The obituary of waves...

Nobody ever writes them. 

No one stops and thinks about how they come to an end, using up their dying breath to sometimes crash passionately against the rocks and sometimes kiss the sand tenderly before disappearing. I wonder if the waves know they are rushing towards their end? Or maybe they think that what lies in front is a whole new destination.

But we all sit by the shore and watch them. And listen to the sound ages after it dies out. And think about their beauty long after the white, foam-tipped water melts back into nothingness.

That is how I want to go. 

Suddenly, in one moment. Without any long-drawn out meaningless drama that makes others suffer.

Not knowing I'm going to. So that I don't spend my final moments regretting all that I didn't do.

Beautifully. Perhaps in my sleep. Because my love for control is something I cannot let go off.

This is how I want to go. Like a wave. That rushes on till the end. That doesn't give up. That people don't mourn...but rather say - "Oh. That was a beautiful existence."

The day romance got it's heart broken...

The king of romance passed away. As much as I hate cliches - I think this is one I'll have to agree with.

Yash Chopra was, to me and countless Bollywood obsessed, fantasy-focused Indians, the creator of chivalrous love, muted passion and chiffon-clad romance.

He redefined love - and he did it so well and artlessly that we forgot it's just the movies and that there's someone to say 'cut' at the end of that heart-melting moment when the guy looks at the girl and says everything in a glance. You forget that he's probably practiced for hours to get that 'you're mine and no one else's' look and you turn around expecting your man to match up to those impossible Mills and Boon standards as well.

In his movies, your love was always reciprocated, the girl was always the centre of the guy's universe, the girls were gorgeous, the men ever charming, love was born amongst snow-capped peaks and expressed through the most poetic ways. Groceries, bills, petty fights and screaming kids had no place in those 35 mm reels.

Mr. Chopra, I wonder if you did a good thing or a bad one? You gave people the respite from humdrum reality with three hours of magic every few years - but you spoiled the days in between for some of us. At least a bit for me...

I grew up on Yash Chopra romances. I believed that love had no barriers. I believed in soul-mates who would eventually find you no matter what. I believed when he did he would tell the whole world how he felt about me. That he would profess undying love to me...in poetic words and phrases that would make me go weak in the knees. I believed in fairy dust.

I forgot I had to grow up.

Some time back I was watching DDLJ - and I was wondering why I never grow tired of this movie. Why, even though I probably know the dialogues and scenes by heart, I can keep watching it. Over and over again. I realized it was because it was my only connection to the hopeful little girl who had fallen in love with this movie - and had fallen in love with love. It perhaps spoiled realistic, day-to-day life for me for a while...but it was my connection to magic, to that intense, all-consuming, unreal, fictitious thing we call 'happily ever after'.

Today I've realized that kind of love only exists in movies, books and the lives of a very lucky few. I've realized I might want to be swept off my feet - but keeping my feet on the ground will serve me better. I might want to be kissed breathless - but having full control over my heart is much safer. I might want to live inside the kind of fairy-tales Yash Chopra's leading ladies inhabited - but I live in the real world where sometimes I laughably end up being the sidekick of my own story.

Yash Chopra passed away - and so did a bit of my rose-tinted, silly, stupid dreams...

But somewhere, sometimes, a fifteen year old me still sits and waits - for her knight-in-shining-armour. Knowing he can never find his way into her world.

And for that, sir, I hold you responsible.

And I think so do the men in my life...

Knowing each other...

The best relationships are the ones where you don't know each other too well.

Know each other just enough to understand the vague references, unfinished sentences and tangential jokes. Don't try to read between the lines.

Like each other just enough to not mind the silence between conversations. Beyond that, the silences will become the conversations.
 
Care about each other just enough to not hurt the other person - but not so much that you run the risk of hurting yourself.

Trust each other just enough to share your dreams - but never enough to talk about your vulnerabilities

Be familiar with each other just enough to laugh at the other's silly traits - but not to the point where the silliness starts irritating you.

The best relationships are the ones that don't have a name
a structure
an end

The rest are not relationships. They are expectations.

I logged in to write. Then found this. And it said so many things I've wanted to say over the years. 

http://me-myself-and-i-divyanambiar.blogspot.in/2012/10/listen.html

Regards

The old me...