The dots that make a circle

So I complete a year at my current job today.

And I could say this year has been crazy, unpredictable, turned my life upside down etc. etc. And all of that would be true. But it would be no different from what my life has been for the past 2.5 years to be precise.

Not that my life has ever been easy. Or dull. But the past couple of years seems to be someone’s idea of a bad joke. Or a really maddening amusement park ride.

Let’s push her up, then throw her down, then suspend her mid-way, then swing her around. Until the head starts spinning and you cannot make out the sky from the earth and walking upside down seems normal.

Perhaps that’s why I have been doing things I don’t normally do. Things that go against my character – and who I thought I was. I have at least been pretty solid when it comes to work. Even when my personal life has been behaving like a Rubic’s cube. Yet I seem to be dropping the ball even on that nowadays. Smaller mistakes, then bigger mess-ups degenerating to complete inefficiency – with no answer as to why it’s happening and how do I make it stop.

Yet take control I must. And I am good at doing things without having any clue how to go about it. Of jumping right in and figuring my way out. And dealing with the consequences.

Coincidentally, today, I came across this piece in NYT and this part caught my eye – “Life is, in effect, a non-repeatable experiment with no control. In his novel about marriage, “Light Years,” James Salter writes: “For whatever we do, even whatever we do not do prevents us from doing its opposite. Acts demolish their alternatives, that is the paradox.”

(You can read the piece here )

Think it’s time to look at the alternatives that I am demolishing one by one. Simply by not thinking about anything. And no – again I am not talking about my personal life. Which is on its own crazy ride right now. But one that I wouldn’t change for anything. I am talking about something that even my personal life has always taken a back seat to. My work.

Think it’s time to take control of my life again. To buckle in that seat belt and tie up my hair so that I can see straight. And get down to it. Because I have a sneaky suspicion, that when the lights are out and the rides are cooling off…my work is all I will be left with. And these anniversaries the only ones I will mark in my life.

Conditions Apply

What are your expectations from a relationship with no expectations? What is your investment in something where you can have no returns? How detatched can you be from someone you are involved with? Or have been?

I have spent the past week playing host to my ex - and the current love of his life. I have faced varying reactions to this. Incredulity from my friends, resignation from my folks and a certain level of amusement from my 20 year old self who pays me random visits at times. None of it makes any difference to me - because that relationship makes no difference to me anymore. Its run its course...and so have the expectations that came along with it.

But what about relationships that are supposed to go somewhere - but somehow feel like they are worth nothing?. Or those that should not mean anything - and feel like a new lease of life?. Is that the product of warped priorities? Or just a reality check of where your life's heading?

I have recently become so proud of my ability to detach. To not really let anything get to me beyond a point. To have things happen around me, participate - and yet not really care a damn about where things are going. But I'm not so sure that is a good thing. A sensible thing - yes. Gives me peace of mind - definitely. But is this who I wanted to be - perhaps not.

My complete non-reaction to my ex - now that's a normal reaction after so many years. Because the years in between have taken control. But my disinterest in current relationships, in what people expect from me is reaching an extreme that makes me wonder about myself sometimes.

It's ok when the person who crosses your path has no expectations either. You are in sync. But when that person thinks differently, when they feel and want and dream - then isn't dumping my baggage of 'I-don't-give-a-damn' on that person actually expecting too much from them?

Irony is, the reason you stop caring is because perhaps at one point of time you cared too much. And you met someone who didn't. And you learnt to re-set your expectations. And now you are doing the same thing to someone else. Your lack of expectations means you will fail to understand theirs, or live up to it. Or you will simply not be willing to walk that extra mile. And you will break their heart. And perhaps they will then break someone else's.

But somewhere along the way you stop thinking about it. All you think about is how not to get involved. How to tuck every little thought and emotion and relationship away in its own little corner of the mind. Where it can't mingle with the others and mess up your emotional balance.

And you walk into every relationship with a tiny little * in the corner of your mind. And hope to god the person in front remembers to read the fine print.

This and that

Pink - 'Coz that's what a little girl begins her journey with. Candies, frills, soft toys, and a bubble-gum life.

Yellow - 'Coz your world is opening up to new possibilities - friends, promises, secrets, adventures, sunshiny, happy, worry-free days

White - 'Coz you feel anything's possible - that life's a canvass were you can fill in any colour you want, draw any picture and sign off on it with a flourish. Where you can say, "Look! I made this. This is me."

Blue - 'Coz promises break, dreams turn out to be illusions and reality sets in.

Grey - 'Coz  it's so important to realize that life is not all black and white.

Purple - 'Coz the passion of red always gets coloured by the finality of black.

I feel purple sometimes. Mostly. 

Matters of the heart...and other inconsequential things

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left -  Marilyn Monroe


She got it right, that lady. And most of us get it too...unfortunately by then the damage is done. In most cases. You have foolishly let your heart make decisions. That idiot has gone and superbly messed things up. And then you are left with some sort of emptiness. Undefinable. A niggling, annoying pain somewhere inside that dances around the corners, only to slip away when you try to catch it and figure out what it's all about. Figure out what you are all about.

The root cause of all dissatisfaction seems to lie in our bid to attain our heart's desire. Yep, there is that heart again. When you think you have it, you realize it's not what you wanted at all. And what you want is now forbidden. Rendered untouchable by what you already have.

Which is why forbidden fruits are so attractive. An unfulfilled longing is better than a satisfied desire. Satiation has a way of making your needs lose that element of mystery and therefore its charm. Longing for the unattainable on the other hand, is so all-consuming. Pointless, heart-breaking, but taking-over-your-mind kind of powerful.

Someone once told me - don't be with someone out of a sense of companionship. Be with them out of love. But what I want to know is...what kind of love? Is loving someone what matters or being in love?

For example, I love you with all my heart. But I am no longer in love with you. How does that make you feel? Do you still want to be with me? Is that what companionship is all about? Isn't that doing things half-way? Would we rather do some things in halves if the alternative lies in not doing anything at all?

Is not doing anything an equivalent of emptiness? Does emptiness scare you? But don't you think that you can fill that emptiness with so many new things? Or will it turn into that annoying, niggling pain again?

So to come back to my question---love or companionship? Doesn't the first naturally fade into the other in the course of toeing the line of life?

Which is why passion trumps love trumps companionship. Or perhaps it's the other way round. Depends on what you want from life. Do you have what it takes to turn everything you know upside down, question the order of things, and build things up all over again. How badly do you want to define your life? Enough to blow it up in your face?

Do you want to exist? Or do you want to live? Really live?

Snippets

He: I wanted to take the road not taken
She: Why didn't you?
He: I ended up taking a detour
She: And the road not taken remained ignored

He: Who are you to question me? You don't own me?
She: No. But I thought we belonged to each other

She: But I love you, even if you don't. I cannot imagine walking away from you
He: This conversation scares me

He: Did you see that? What are those? Solar flares?
She: Nope. Just flashes of my blinding brilliance

She: I want someone who can be my best friend and my boyfriend
He: That's not possible. Those two are mutually exclusive

She: Why do you want to be with me
He: I don't know. I guess because I can tolerate you


She: You are my soul mate
He: No I'm not. Soul mates are big things. What we have is small and too insignificant.

She: I am not made for fidelity
He: Infidelity is not a bad thing
She: Yes. But it's so sad


She: I don't know how we got here
He: How does it matter?

It never really does, does it?

Is there pleasure in pain...?

Lying in bed

Waiting for the alarm to ring

So that I control the shrillness

Before it shatters the silence of the moment



That's what I seem to be all about

The wait. The silence. The chaos thereafter.



I wait

For the light to peep through the curtains

For the darkness to go from black to grey

Dreading the end of this fragile moment of peace



I wait

For the silence to speak

Because words have failed me

Mundane expressions that are meaningless at the best,

mocking my thoughts at the worst



I wait

For the chaos that is to come

That always follows this deep stillness

That disrupts the mundane -

I await my moment of ruin...


I await my nemesis
And masochism wins.

Nothing much to say...

Is intoxication the best way to escape reality?

The reality that unsettles us? Or the reality that disappoints us?

Alcohol, passion, lust, obsessions, wanderlust. They fill you up, consume your thoughts…provide you relief, if only for a little while – from what your life is, lulling you into experiencing what it could be. So that when you wake up to reality it is a strange mixture of exhilaration, from having lived your dream – and a gut-wrenching pain, from realizing dreams shatter.

But what stops me from going after what I really want? I keep asking myself and I throw up no answers. Except for the fact that somewhere, deep down inside, I know my desires and dreams will be frowned upon. Somewhere, deep down inside, I want to fit in in spite of wanting to stand out. Somewhere, deep down inside, I am afraid of the strong possibility that I may be afraid.

Imaginary voyeurism is my poison of choice.  World’s that I don’t inhabit, a life that is not mine, stories that I want to live and the furtive manifestation of desires that I ruthlessly suppress otherwise.  

And then I wake up the morning after and I wonder…does intoxication help me in getting answers?

Not really. It does something even better.

It helps me in forgetting the questions.

Momentarily.

Mercifully.